These days I’m wearing more than a few hats. I’m an untenured assistant professor, a consultant, a blogger, a daughter, a mama, a sister, a wife, a granddaughter, a friend, a boss … and also a human being’s food supply. Yes, five to six times a day I generate enough milk to satisfy the appetite and growth requirements of a nearly 15-pound 4-month-old baby girl. For the record, she consumes about 13-15 percent of her weight in milk every day.
Annie was born in January. I resumed work when she was just two weeks old. I resumed full-time work (e.g., at least 40 hours a week) when she was a month old. I began flying with her when she was four weeks, and started traveling one or two nights away from her on trips when she reached three months. Yes, that’s right—I didn’t have a maternity leave. Sure, I was offered one: 12 weeks unpaid. I just wasn’t in a financial position to do it. So, here I am—the pumping, productive professor.
You should see the newest breastpump (even if you don’t really want to). You should see how tiny it is (it weighs less than the amount of milk I express each day). They call it the “Freestyle,” and its maker, Medela, advertises it with the claim that it’s now possible to pump while doing dishes. (Yippee, just what I always wanted!!) You should see how tightly I can pack its parts into my luggage, and how I can cram it and me into the tiny spaces to get our work done. The pump and I spend a lot of time together—if I’m not with Annie, I’m with my pump. In the last three weeks I’ve pumped in airplane bathrooms during turbulence (“ladies and gentlemen, please return to your seats”—yeah right!), in narrow toilet stalls in conference hotels, in university conference rooms and colleagues’ offices, and yes (I’m sorry), even when I’m driving (please, don’t peek in my window).
I relay all this and suddenly I feel myself typing those saddest of words: I have no choice. But even as I do, I see how silly they look. Oh poor me, with my R1 university research job, my supportive telecommuting husband, my two beautiful children, and all of the incredible speaking and travel opportunities constantly offered to me. Sure, I spend nearly two-thirds of my nine-month academic salary on childcare every year, but hey, at least I have a steady income. And I’m blessed with incredibly supportive nannies and babysitters, family members who will fly out to help when needed, and no real fear of losing my job in the immediate future. I really have it quite good.
But the milk madness always feels, no matter what the truth, like madness. Last week I took a red eye, stuck in a window seat with two sleeping gents beside me. I couldn’t get out, couldn’t pump, and my laptop battery died. Full of exhaustion, full of ideas, and full of milk, I nearly lost it. Now I write this sitting in Denver airport, waiting for the last flight of the night, two hours delayed, trying like heck to get home and be there to nurse my baby in the morning. I have to get there—I only have two little plastic storage baggies left. Think of me.
14 Responses to Milk Madness
tippydawn - May 4, 2010 at 5:44 am
I am so there with you! I was offered the same 12-week, no pay deal and had no choice but to return physically to campus in my administrative role after 2 weeks postpartum, using my sick days to explain the absence. I use the term “return” lightly because I was teaching two online courses in the duration. I am less than 3 months in, pumping with every free opportunity so that I can generate the milk needed for my own and babies in the NICU (I am also a milk donor). At least within the time I am unavailable to the public during my pumping sessions, I now have multiple times in the day to refocus on who I am and what I am doing and why I am doing it. Like you, I have no choice, but rather than get upset with the cards I have been dealt, I just have to play my hand the best I can. I will say to you what someone said to me… Courage!
loshead1285 - May 4, 2010 at 8:16 am
Sara:My wife’s and I have a 5 month old and she echoes your statements. She’s a defense attorney and almost verbatim described your same ordeal(s) but in the context of being in a male-dominated legal environment. Luckily, the new health care law REQUIRES employers to provide pumping areas for nursing mothers. Hang in there and know that we’re in this thing together!
iris411 - May 4, 2010 at 8:45 am
formula works just fine. why not?
arualis - May 4, 2010 at 10:05 am
because breast is best
sanick00 - May 4, 2010 at 10:24 am
Breast milk is not only better than formula, it is free!
dingereno - May 4, 2010 at 11:34 am
Breast or formula, it’s a personal choice, and not what this article is really about – so let’s not make it into an ongoing, circular debate, please.Sara – as an expectant mother constantly bombarded with questions about whether or not I’m really going to be a working mother (God forbid…) and my own introspective guilt over handing over my child to a day-care center at 3 months – THANK YOU! It’s so nice to know that I’m not even remotely alone – no matter how much others question my choice.
wendylove - May 4, 2010 at 11:51 am
Breast milk is only free if you consider the mother’s time and labor to be worthless. I am pumping for my second child, with an administrative job and no private office (I use assorted bathrooms to pump – although I have pointed out the new law to HR, I think they’re hoping to hold me off with no pumping space until my kid turns one). I have no regrets about pumping, but it, ah, sucks.
coe1400 - May 4, 2010 at 1:02 pm
My opinion. Ask HR if they are going to be preparing their meals in the bathroom. They should be having thoughts about how it’s unsanitary. The obvious conclusion is you shouldn’t have to prepare your child’s meal there either.
kahaved - May 4, 2010 at 1:35 pm
Thanks to the above who have mentioned human milk is best for human babies. there is a wealth of research out there about the benefits of breastmilk for babies (better immune systems, less disease as adults, higher IQs, etc., etc.,)… if they were calves cow’s milk or cow’s milk based formula may be fine but most don’t grow to be +300 lbs (we hope!). To you Sara- thank you for your committment to give your babies the best start no matter what the sacrifice. I echo your sentiments after nursing my 2 babies and working full time but in the private sector.
kahaved - May 4, 2010 at 1:39 pm
personal choice yes but if you are interested in more information to make a better informed decision a good book is; Womanly Art of Breastfeeding, LLL.
goldrick - May 4, 2010 at 3:16 pm
Hi,I’m relieved to hear that the column resonates with some of you– and at the same time sad to hear so many are struggling.As to the issue of formula vs. breastmilk: sure, there’s some medical evidence indicating that breastmilk provides numerous benefits. There is also evidence that what’s best for baby is bonding with the mother (and the father)– and whatever facilitates that bonding is most important. In some cases, that means nursing– it gives mama time with the baby, and is a physical act that can facilitate a connection. But in other cases, NOT nursing can free mama from stress and enable her to feel good about how she feeds her child, and that promotes a bond. You can definitely bond over a bottle; I’ve done it, and had to with my first child since he was initially too weak to suck well. I have firsthand experience with both nursing and bottle feeding, breastmilk and formula, and there’s no hard line to be drawn among them– in the end it’s about finding a good fit between mom and baby. Which is why I didn’t tackle this head on in the blog– I’m not trying to preserve my milk because it’s “best” but because it’s what I want for my daughter, and for me. And I think I should have the right to workplace support to make that health choice possible. Sara
mercy_otis_warren - May 4, 2010 at 5:12 pm
Interesting argument. What if one’s “health choice” were to go for a 5-mile run daily at 1:45, or to bring her infant to work all day because it better facilitated bonding, or to breathe only purified air, or not to touch carpet because she fears industrial toxins? Does one “have the right to workplace support to make [those] health choices possible”? What limits would Goldrick place on the kinds of “health choices” for which individual workers can claim the “right” to demand workplace accommodation and support? What’s particularly interesting about Goldrick’s post is that even if she were arguing that “breast is best,” the “health choice” to nurse is presumably for her infant’s health, and not her own–which strikes me as raising another interesting point about limits. Does one have the “right” to demand her workplace support a health choice that isn’t primary (the worker herself) but rather secondary (the worker’s child)? Fascinating re: establishing those limits (is it only nursing?) and potential repercussions.
ellenhunt - May 4, 2010 at 5:52 pm
Unmerciful heavens, mercy_otis_warren. I pity you and any woman unlucky enough to be saddled with you. May any female flee quickly. A good friend of mine decided to breast feed and be a donor for 4 years with each of her children. Her children are strong, healthy and happy kids.
natrybas - May 16, 2010 at 1:54 pm
Hail, Sara! Thanks for writing about the life as it happens in the (most precious) moments of parenting an infant and working (towards tenure, or after, or for any other rigid entity like academia). Yes, it is madness is good and bad sense – full of pains and struggles and beaming with successes and hopes. I had my son 2 weeks after defending my dissertation and started a new job when he was about 3 months, and we were breastfeeding. He is now 2 years old. Every minute counted then – minutes to nurse, to pump, to grade, to prep, to write, to plan research, and other small and big professors’ and mother’s deeds. Now looking back I realize that the milk madness subsides some day especially when we (and you eventually) introduce solids. The conversation is not about which choice to make but how to manage “the madness” with so many reposibilities and so many aspirations. Breastfeeding life is short compared to university professorship and other social duties. How do we combine the two and any other functions that we have and want to accomplish and achieve without loosing sanity?