In my last post, I imagined the establishment of Fendrich University. Here’s the university’s course of study, should you want your kid to apply. For further information, please go to our non-existent, perennially under-construction Web site: www.FendrichUniversity.edu.
FRESHMAN ORIENTATION (one month)
Three workshop visits to the library, including instruction in library research
One two-hour evening workshop offering marijuana and cigarette smoking at the beginning and end of each semester.
Three lectures on the principles of computer programming
Three workshops on animal husbandry and caring for on-campus animals — not the John Belushi kind, but the old non-hormone-injected, grass-eating cow, horse, and goat
Three workshops on cooking healthful vegetarian and non-vegetarian meals
One workshop, led by a renowned oenophile, on recommended wines (oh yes, almost forgot — wine will be served with all evening meals)
For all meat-eaters, witnessing the humane slaughter of any animal they will be eating while at Fendrich U (vegetarians are excused)
One morning workshop on using the gym equipment
One morning yoga workshop
One 3-day workshop on the internal combustion engine (hands-on required)
Seven evening presentations of great films: Battleship Potemkin, The Wizard of Oz, Citizen Kane, The Bicycle Thief, All About Eve, Rashomon, and Last Year at Marienbad. (Note: This week-long introduction to seven of the greatest films ever made is a preview of the heart of Fendrich University’s social life: weekly showings of great films.)
THE FRESHMAN YEAR
Semester One
English 1 (No opting out: Everyone must take all English courses) Vocabulary, grammar, sentence construction, paragraph development)
Perceptual Drawing (the best non-verbal epistemology that exists)
Introduction to logic (law of the excluded middle, DeMorgan’s Law, etc.)
Modern Language (level determined by testing)
Exercise Class (P/F, either intramural, competitive sports, or non-competitive working out at the swank new gymnasium that includes a sauna and steam room; here it’s important to note that there are NO intercollegiate athletic teams, since Fendrich U will not provide its students with the professional athletics that passes for “college sports” at most of today’s schools. For the naturally competitive sort of student, however, informal debates are a continual occurrence at Fendrich U).
Semester Two
English 2 (the 5-paragraph essay, the 3-page essay — two forms of writing all of us who teach would love to see our students be able to do with ease)
Mathematics (level determined by testing, but everyone begins with six weeks of Euclidean geometry)
Philosophy (Plato’s Republic, Aristotle’s Ethics; Machiavelli’s The Prince; Selections from Hobbes’ Leviathan, Locke’s An Essay Concerning Human Understanding; Rousseau’s First and Second Discourses; Nietzsche’s Use and Abuse of History)
Modern Language (continued if necessary; otherwise, slot is filled by a free choice)
Exercise Class (P/F, same as first semester requirement; Frisbee option available)
THE SOPHOMORE YEAR
Semester One
English 3 (Deductive and inductive reasoning; expository writing; the long 7-10 page essay)
A modern natural-science course, with laboratory work
History of the ancient Western world (through 476)
Modern language (continued if necessary; otherwise, slot is filled by a free choice)
English examination in grammar, punctuation, spelling, paragraph development: Fail this, baby, and you flunk out of school.
Semester Two
English (Shakespeare: Hamlet, King Lear, Macbeth, The Tempest)
A modern natural science (with laboratory) or mathematics
History of the medieval Western world (476-1453)
Modern language (continued if necessary; otherwise, slot is filled by a free choice.
Modern language fluency examination; fail this, and, well, you know…
THE JUNIOR YEAR
Semester One
(Of course, we hope the student can go abroad to study for one or both semesters of the junior year, and that the student lives with a family that speaks absolutely no English)
English (19th- and 20th-century American literature)
A modern natural science (with laboratory) or mathematics
History of the modern Western world (1453-present)
Non-Western history course
Mathematics examination: Fail this, and, well, put two and two together…
Semester Two
American politics (the Constitution and the civil-rights movement)
Botany or zoology (look, no one has any understanding of the whole of things any more; besides, everyone should know what a dracaena marginata is before decorating the college dorm room).
Economics (it may be the dismal science, but you gotta know what macroeconomics is and how much a 30-year fixed mortgage at 6.25% will really cost you).
Choice of music, dance, drama, or painting (hunker down and try to be creative)
THE SENIOR YEAR
Semester One
Sociology (Weber, but absolutely no Baudrillard)
Psychology (touch on Freud, but move on from there)
Senior Seminar (the Civil War — I mean, kids today don’t even know the dates of the thing)
Free Choice
Semester Two
Senior Seminar (World War II — it’s ancient history to today’s college students, even though we just finished paying for it a few years ago)
Senior Seminar (choice of five seminar topics, ranging from a modern natural science to a subject in the humanities)
Free Choice
Senior Thesis (30-50 page paper, choice of any topic approved by your adviser, working one-on-one with that adviser; oral defense required)
A final note: Fendrich University would employ only full-time faculty and distinguished visitors. There’d be no tenure, but also no adjuncts. All faculty would have 3-, then 5-, then 7- and finally 10-year contracts. After the second, and final, 10-year contract, faculty would revert to 3-year contracts for the rest of their teaching years at F.U. Although Fendrich U would not be able to match what the United States Congress awards its members in terms of medical care, it would have a “reasonable” health plan for all faculty who regularly participated in the P/F exercise classes.
