Courses You’ll Never See

1. The Short Man in History: Is the Napoleonic complex real? An examination of men under 5’6″ who have influenced the social, political, literary, and economic landscape of the last 200 years in British and American texts. We will examine a series of such diverse figures as Tiny Tim, George from Seinfeld, Tom Cruise, the guy from Fantasy Island, Gary Coleman, and Mini-Me.

2. Nancy Miller’s Father’s Penis. Using Nancy Miller’s seminal 1991 essay “My Father’s Penis” as a springboard, this multimedia course will consider other significant paternal penii as they pop up in popular culture.

3. Human Resource and Beer-Pong Management. This course will review the human-resource-management body of knowledge and explore methods and practices related to the successful management of both daily and weekend beer-pong playing in the context of both university and non-university organizations. It provides an overview of the management of human resources in organizations examining the major issues in creating a successful beer-pong force and fostering effective player-playee relationships. The course addresses recruitment and selection, performance appraisal, strategies for the implementation of successful interpersonal dynamics, as well as the development and implementation of the review of human-resources management relating to the methods and practices of human-resource management in relationship to beer pong. This is a relatable and proactive course that will incentivize you to streamline your thinking outside the box and raise the bar without increasing your cup size.

4. The Confining Roles of Men in the Media. This course will examine the constraining limits placed on male characters in television, film, and literature. These roles will include powerful politician, the action hero, loveable fat guy with hot wife, powerful fat guy, fat guy, handsome guy, handsome honest guy, and handsome villain.

5. The Falsified Histories of Famous People We Use to Justify Failure. Just as Albert Einstein’s story has permitted thousands of parents to believe that their dumb kids are underachieving geniuses, Bill Gates’s biography has been used to justify the inability of thousands of nerdy slackers to finish college. Other significant myths perpetuated by famous people’s lives include that important scientific discoveries are made while just lounging about under trees (Newton, gravity) or in the bath (Archimedes, volume of water displaced equals volume of object immersed). This four-credit class will help even the laziest students’ rationalize their inability to get out of bed, read a book, or take an exam.

6. RODS 666: Representations Of Deliberate Sexuality. Commercials now feature only the debased and emasculated caricatured males who discuss matters such as the inability to urinate when on car trips with other men and the need to be in an antique outdoor bathtub in order to get an erection. This course will examine the deliberate and systematic undercutting/cutting-under of masculine sexual authority by women who just can’t get enough, you know what I’m talking about, right, when they just keep berating you and expecting you to be all hairy and sweaty like you were 17 again but she certainly doesn’t look 17 anymore, you’ve seen 70-year-olds look better than she does some mornings and yet she won’t leave you the hell alone just to gather your thoughts before she starts getting at you again and again. No readings. No exams. No talking. Keep your mouth shut, all right? Otherwise you’re just asking for it.

7. OMG! and WTF? Twitter as Literary Text, 2007-2009. @students: cross-listed with Modern Language 326 Contemporary Discourse.

8. Cutting-Edge Technology in the Elementary-School Classroom. Only the wildly entertained child will learn. That much we have gleaned from 200 years of working with children. They must be amused and instructed by everything that comes into their fat, grubby, little hands. Otherwise, they will start screaming and biting, which is not necessarily an indication of either attention-deficit disorder or a lousy upbringing, but could be a reflection of the disastrous misuse on the part of the instructor of outdated school supplies. Even the youngest tyke brought up in today’s contemporary world knows enough to demand the very best. This course will be broken down into two units in order to be able to focus our full attention to introduce two forms of cutting-edge technology into the elementary-school environment.

a) Anti-Roll Crayola Crayons

Nothing is more maddening for a child than to be coloring and have the crayons roll off the desk or table while they are working. These novel crayons aren’t really round-they are more octagonal, so they don’t roll away as easily. A great invention for elementary aged children everywhere.

b) Smart Smencils (Peppermint)

These Smencils are scented with Peppermint. Studies have shown that peppermint stimulates the brain and improves concentration levels. So now you can have the benefits of peppermint while writing your tests. The #2 graphite writing cores used in Smencils are the same as those used in most common pencils and are acceptable for use on computer-scanned test sheets.

9. Unicorns, Stickers, and Sparkles: An Examination of Feminine Expressivity. The ways in which women have learned to express ourselves are a powerful method of shaping how we come to think of ourselves in the world and what we hope the great rainbow culture of the future world aspires to be is at the heart of this course. Permeating the patriarchy with multiperspectivism and bedazzling the drab imperialistic, colonized hegemony with our own brilliants/ce is what we will collectively be doing. The final project is a glittery quilt!!