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20 Funny: The August Version (Part 2)

11. “Have you ever wondered about the stupidity of the term ‘o’clock’?  Americans have happily incorporated into our everyday speech a term that makes us sound like leprechauns.” Gene Weingarten, Pulitzer Prize-winning writer for The Washington Post, from The Hypochondriac’s Guide to Life. And Death.

12. Voice-mail prompt: “After the tone please leave your I.Q. or your blood pressure, whichever is higher.” Lewis Frumkes, author of How To Raise Your I.Q. by Eating Gifted Children.

13. On health foods: “To strengthen their argument [about eating unprocessed foods] they tell you that peasant boys in Cuba, those kids out in the fields, eat raw sugar cane and they have perfect teeth. What they don’t tell you is that they develop rickets. ‘Look at me, Ma! No cavities! But I can’t walk too straight.’…After you eat all this, you can wash it down with tiger’s milk. So help me, that’s the truth. Tiger’s milk. I don’t know too much about the product, but I’d just like to meet the guy who does the milking. I’d like to find out what he eats. That’s going to become my diet…The Mayo Clinic hasn’t found a cure for arthritis, but there’s this nut on 8th avenue; five years ago he had a delicatessen, but now he’s a doctor of nutrition. He found a cure for arthritis. Vinegar and honey. You mix it together, stand on one leg, spit at the sun after the full moon, accompanied by a voodoo drum—and all your aches and pains go away. Who knows?” Alan King, from Help! I’m a Prisoner in a Chinese Bakery! (1964).

14. Goldberg’s Postulate: “If you know at least 10 percent more about a subject than the people you’re talking to do, they will think you’re a freakin’ genius.” Carole Goldberg, Hartford Courant’s Write Stuff columnist.

15. “They say Jesus loved everyone. How the hell did he do it?” Kay Wilson, attorney.

16. “The Boston-Cambridge colossus is doing so well these days that the only guys you see begging for money in the streets are newspaper columnists or start-up entrepreneurs looking for venture-capital funding.” Larry Cohen, “The Artful Strategist.”

17. “When your mother texts you a picture from a concert and writes: ‘Chicago: 43 years of great music!’ it’s okay to start looking at homes.” David Hanley.

18. “Sitting here praying they pass a law that it’s okay to beat the s@#t out of anyone who says ‘Between you and I.’” Tweet from Alan Zweibel, author, playwright, and producer.

19. “Look, (grownups skip this paragraph) I’m not about to tell you this book has a tragic ending, I already said in the very first line how it was my favorite in all the world. But there’s a lot of bad stuff coming up…. There’s death coming up, and you better understand this: some of the wrong people die. Be ready for it. This isn’t Curious George Uses the Potty…. Okay. Enough.  Back to the next.  Nightmare time.”
William Goldman, from The Princess Bride.

20. “To me, Planned Parenthood—and the discussion about reproductive rights and health—needs to be part of your routine. Like going to yoga. Or breathing. ” Lizz Winstead, producer, author of the recently published Lizz Free or Die, from an interview in Mother Jones.

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