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Department of Divine Ocurrences: An SAT Question For the Ages

August 25, 2012, 9:49 pm

This section of the test examines your reading comprehension and ability to solve a logical problem.

On September 9 2005, following Hurricane Katrina, televangelist Hal Lindsey of the Trinity Broadcasting Network observed that it seemed

clear that the prophetic times I have been expecting for decades have finally arrived. And even worse, it appears that the judgment of America has begun. I warn continually that the last days lineup of world powers does not include anything resembling the United States of America. Instead, a revived Roman Empire in Europe is to rule the West, and then the world.

But what were the specifics of God’s distress?  On September 12, the Reverend Pat Robertson, host of the Christian Broadcasting Network, founder of the Christian Coalition, and erstwhile presidential candidate, speculated that the devastation resulting from Hurricane Katrina was payback for “the wholesale slaughter of unborn children.“  Robertson made a similar claim that God was playing tit for tat in January 2010 after the massive earthquake that brought Port-au-Prince, Haiti to its knees:

Former Nixon operative, prison minister and conservative radio personality Charles Colson has also proposed that natural calamities are God’s way of showing what could happen in the event of a massive terrorist attack. Katrina, he said in 2005, was “perhaps” an event that God “allowed…to get our attention so that we don’t delude ourselves into thinking that all we have to do is put things back the way they were and life will be normal again.”

Assuming that these are plausible explanations for weather and geological events, God has now allowed Hurricane Isaac to track into the Tampa-St. Petersburg area just as the Republican Convention is about to commence, causing the first day of Mittens’ coronation to be canceled.

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Which of the following answers is not true?

  1. God is still angry about the dog on the roof.
  2. God wants Paul Ryan to take his Mittens off Medicare.
  3. God thinks Mitt Romney’s position on women’s right to choose has changed so often He doesn’t know what it is.
  4. God is vacationing in The People’s Republic of Massachusetts this year.
  5. God’s Super PAC is the most awesome, yo.
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