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SPYWARE VIRUS!

June 12, 2008, 9:34 pm

(Previous installments of this silliness include Disadventure, Disaddendum, Dismoralized, & Disinsomnia.)

Copyright (c) 1980, 1982, 1983, 2006 Sekocom, Inc. All rights reserved.
SPYWARE VIRUS! is a registered trademark of Sekocom, Inc.
Revision 23 / Serial number 8940726

In Apartment Complex

> go to library website

Before you is the UCI Library website. To your left are the crumbling remains of an ancient civilization.

> really?

No.

> open newspaper database asshole

Firefox will not open crap links to spoofed addresses.

> is library is safe open newspaper database

Firefox declines invitations to virus orgies on principle. Perhaps a more gullible browser would be more to your liking.

> open internet explorer

You feel more vulnerable already. Before you is the UCI Library website. To your left is the a visual representation of what is about to happen to your computer.

> what?

Nothing.

> open newspaper database

YOU HAVE A SMALL PENIS! WOMEN LAUGH AT IT! VIEW PORNOGRAPHY! STAY HARD FOR HOURS! YOU MIGHT ALREADY BE A WINNER!

> what?

INVESTMENT OPPORTUNITIES ABOUND! YOU COULD BE HARDER LONGER! SUBSCRIBE TO THE WALL STREET JOURNAL! YOUR PENIS IS SMALL!

> is not

IS TOO! INVEST IN GOLD! WHO IS THIS FAMOUS PERSON NAMED PRESIDENT BUSH! IDENTIFY HIM CORRECTLY AND WIN A FREE IPOD!

> thanks but no what about those newspaper articles

YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH THIS PERSON! NOW THEY ARE HOT! SHOW THEM YOUR HARD PENIS! THEY ARE CHRISTIAN SINGLES! WIN A PLASMA TV!

> close internet explorer

Your attempt to close a window spawns seven others. They collectively inform you—

> yes i know small flaccid penis on poor jew with normal tv

You confront your inadequacies with admirable resignation. You should consider a career in academia.

> har har close internet explorer

As you reset your computer you remember you have not saved the work you did today.

> NO RESET

You watch Windows reload.

> UN RESET

You fear everything you wrote today has been sacrificed to a security hole. Sweat drips down your face onto YOUR SMALL PENIS! DO YOU REMEMBER HER? NOW SHE HAS A HARD PENIS!

> open twain chapter

I don’t know what you mean.

> open twain chapter NOW

You mean the one with webcams?

> no with words

I don’t know what you mean.

> thing i write with words for future

YOUR THING! YOUR THING IS TOO SMALL AND NOT HARD! VIEW THIS WOMAN WITH BREASTS! YOU WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH HER! SHE IS THE PRESIDENT! IDENTIFY HER AND WIN AN IPOD!

> i hate you

GENERIC PROZAC DELIVERED TO YOUR DOOR! BUY MORE NOW!

> open uci library page

Through the dense thicket of ads trumpeting your lameness you are just able to make out the form field for ProQuest Historical Newspapers.

> search ny times articles from 1898 for mention of galton book

FREE EBOOKS FOR LIMP PEOPLE WHO ARE SAD AND WENT TO HIGH SCHOOL WITH IPODS! CHEAPER ONLINE AND WITH BREASTS!

> kill self

Then the unscrupulous Russians win.

> dont care want death

You would.

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