There are many ways to encourage senior faculty to retire. After all, you can’t just go around kicking their weakening shins until they fall down; they’ll simply lecture while sitting.

One way NOT to entice them into retirement is by making them laugh. If you make them laugh, they will simply grow stronger by the hour and then you’ll never be able to put those tenure track faculty lines to their BEST use: which is, naturally, not in the hiring of bright and clever new faculty, but in the hiring of new administrators, associate administrators, deans, deanlings, and deanlettes (or “dean lites” as they are sometimes known).

Not that I’m bitter.

So, although I am reluctant to make sport of my own university, I must call attention to the fact that UConn might well be facing a dearth of retirements because of the outright and prolonged laughter initiated by a recent memo directed — ironically enough — specifically toward those who might think about it. The trouble is, anybody thinking about retirement is now laughing too hard to leave; they can’t sign the paperwork because they can’t see, they’re so hysterical.

As Dave Barry and Robert Benchley would say, I am not making this up.

Ready?

Here’s the first line of a memo sent to all university employees by the benefits manager: “Please take note of the following if you are eligible to retire under the Retirement Incentive Program (RIP).”

What I want to know is this: WHO was the GENIUS who thought it was a good idea to call a retirement program, pretty much directed to, umm, retirement-age people, RIP?

Why not just call it DOA?

My husband, also a professor in the English Department, pointed out the absurdity of RIP not only to me but to one of our colleagues. Michael wrote, in an email, “How’s this for acronymic sensitivity to the faculty?” to which our friend replied “RIP — the ultimate furlough.”

It’s almost too easy to kid about this — but not quite.

I mean, how can I resist the following ACTUAL sentence: “To RSVP for a Group Sign-Up Session, call the RIP Information Line”?

It sounds like an offer for one of those cults where people drink the Kool Aid; “Hello? I’d like to know exactly how long I’ll be able to rest in peace on my annual salary of $13.46? Yes, I’ll hold. …”

Besides, any real “RIP Information Line” would have an 800 number, wouldn’t it?

Life’s a riot and then you die. But, hey, when I go, at least I’ll have the Group Sign-Up Session number on me.