December 16, 2007, 11:42 AM ET

Why 'The Onion' Makes Me Cry

I can’t talk about humor, and neither should you, without talking about The Onion.

I want to work for The Onion.

I know I have a good day job; I know I’m enormously privileged to write for a number of distinguished publications, including this one. Also, alas, I know I am Too Old to work for The Onion. I would cringe too often, worry too much about the feelings of others, wonder what half the inside-jokes mean and be too self-conscious to ask.

(And AK, my editor, my lovely perfect editor, I am stuck at home in a snowstorm, meaning that I’m not at work sitting next to one of my astute graduate students, persons who will show me how to Do Things Properly, which is to say that I don’t know how to put the title of The Onion into appropriate code and that’s why The Onion appears incorrectly coded. I address you, AK, in the post in this post-modern — ha, ha, almost an Onion moment here and I’m doing it again, saying Onion in caps — anyway, I’m addressing you in this non-transparent fashion because this is a bit about humor in a blog, so doesn’t that mean all attempts to pretend that there isn’t anybody pulling strings behind the scenes can be waived? So, umm, can you fix this and/or forgive me?)

Anyhow, I love that other publication (I won’t say it again) because, I mean, where else could you find the following almost-perfectly believable stories:

Many U. S. Parents Outsourcing Child-Care Overseas

Women Now Empowered by Everything A Woman Does

Grad Student Deconstructs Take-Out Menu

Giant Cockroach in Bathroom ‘A Harrowing, Kafkaesque Experience,’ Grad Student Says

J. K. Rowling Ends ‘Harry Potter’ Series After Discovering Boys

Did I Say That, Or Did John Updike?

Guy in Philosophy Class Needs to Shut the Fuck Up

Girl Moved to Tears by ‘Of Mice and Men’ Cliffs Notes

Heroic Computer Dies to Save World From Master’s Thesis

Of course there are some I’ve missed.

Tell me your favorites, dear readers. Tell me, too, about ones that have come just a tiny bit too close — stories that have side-swiped your self-righteousness or punctured your pride.

In return I’ll confess which pieces I’ve left off this list because they made me pout and get all huffy — reactions I’ve regarded as a sign that I need to adjust my meds.

C’mon, the whole idea is the cutting into the you-know-what will make you laugh until you cry.