Fortune cookies are one of the great gifts in life.

Unfortunately, many fortune cookies are now of the bland “Life is kind if you are kind” variety which, although well-meaning, have as little clout as saying “eeny-meeny-miny-moe” when you’re trying to make life-altering decisions.

And yes, since you ask, I DO base life-altering decisions on what I read in my fortune cookies. I still have the curled slip of pink paper I found in a cookie in 1987 saying “Trust Him but Keep Your Eyes Open.”

We need more of these.

In keeping with this spirit, I’d like to suggest the following good fortunes for ALL of us, and I would love to know what wishes you’d add:

You will always find a parking space

There will always be a replacement bulb (of the correct wattage) when you need one

No telephone solicitor will ever call your house at dinner

The person on whom you have a secret crush has a secret crush on you

You will always have excellent weather on your days off

All your students will be smart

You will find a gas station where 93 octane is under four dollars

You will never lose one sock

Your shoe laces will never accidentally become untied

All the books you request are available

You will always have exactly the right fresh herb for your favorite recipe

The check really is in the mail

You will never stub your toe

They have it in your size and your color — and it’s on sale

All your flights will be smooth and all your landings will be safe

The artificial flowers you purchase will always look real

Your printer will never run out of ink on the middle of a big project

You will never have food stuck between your teeth

The bus you miss is merely the first of five that will immediately follow

You will always wake up a few minutes before the alarm goes off

You will like your job and enjoy your work

All bathing suits you try on will be flattering

You will never itch where you can’t scratch

The only phone calls you receive after 11 p.m. will convey good news

Your cats will figure out how to clean their own litter boxes

Newspapers will contain coupons only for items you wish to purchase

Your cereal will never get soggy

Hummingbirds will adore your geraniums

Your zippers will always zip freely and never get caught on fabric

There will never again be a line at the copy machine

The person you love best will always delight in your sense of humor

Batteries will always be included

All your nonstick pans will remain nonstick

All your calls will be returned

Your hard drive will never crash

You will always pay your bills in full and on time

You will always remember to turn off the stove — and always remember that you DID remember and never have to double-check

When it rains, your windows will never be open

No guest will spill food on your best tablecloth

Neither your hands nor your feet will ever be cold

Having heard of your accomplishments, your high school will name its highest award after you and in your honor

Everyone wishes to be your friend

The person you yearned for in high school remembers you with great, if unspoken, affection and longing

Birds will sing outside your window

Your haircuts will always be better than you could have imagined

Your clever ideas will inspire those around you

Your fish will learn to wave their fins to greet you — they will do this out of love and respect

A restaurant manager will soon say, “Please, order what you like, the dessert is on me”

(Image from Photobucket.com)