September 25, 2009, 09:10 PM ET

We're No. 37!

Fancy that. The World Health Organization ranks our health-care system No. 37 among the nations of the world. Guess who’s ranked first. The French! Yup. The silly, ridiculous French are ranked No. 1! How can that be? We're the USA! Aren't we always No. 1? Alas, watch this video and find out for yourself.

Heck, we all know this video can’t be true. Statistics lie, right? Especially those drummed up by the whacko United Nations. We all know that the French, who are so very effete and fussy that they all speak French, couldn’t possibly be ranked No. 1 in anything.

The French, who refuse to permit factory farms, or raise animals in the all-American, hormone-fattened and antibiotic-stuffed way, or be fooled by tomatoes that taste like cardboard, or live off of supersized meals, or value money above everything else, or do all the other things we Americans do to make ourselves so very, very happy and healthy that we don’t need to worry about whether or not our for-profit health care system works, have found a way to deliver health care to all their citizens that -- gasp -- pleases them. Just ask the French. They’ll tell you they're happy with their health care system -- although, unfortunately, they'll say it in French, which of course means they can't possibly really be happy.

We Americans may be only No. 37 in health care, but enough of us are so very happy about the way we deliver health care that even though we spend more per capita on health care than any other country in the world (a little statistic that pops up everywhere, even outside the United Nations), we’ll march in the streets (or, as the French would put it, go to the barricades) to keep the government from messing with it even one little bit.

Aren't you glad we’re not like the French?