Mostly, I turn to television when I want to watch murder mysteries or true crime stories. I’ve definitely never fallen for talent shows. The one time I watched American Idol I wanted the people to go away. I’m no judge, and slogging through wannabes while waiting for real talent to show up isn’t worth the excruciating embarrassment I feel for no-talents or semi-talents who insist on showing off. Even worse, I’m offended by the way talent shows offer spiritual redemption through show business. No one stands up to show off how they’ve taught themselves orthopedic surgery or math or carpentry. No, it’s always a performer passionately hugging a humungous round mike.

Catching the start of the YouTube clip of Susan Boyle, a 47-year-old unemployed Brit who was on last Saturday night’s Britain’s Got Talent (the British equivalent of American Idol), was different. When she first shows up, I saw what most people saw — a frumpy granny-nanny, dressed up nice, taken straight from a David Suchet Poirot mystery. Boyle then sang “I Dreamed a Dream” from “Les Mis.”

Admittedly, I go all sobby at the sound of even two notes from any one of the songs in “Les Mis” (sorry, it’s just one of those things). So I was prepared to be just a wee bit moved by Susan Boyle no matter what. But I won’t spoil it for you. Watch and listen for yourself.

Yet after watching the clip, I decided to play it a second time in order to concentrate on the faces of the judges (one of them the same Simon Cowell from American Idol) and the audience. The whole audience for this performance — and if you think about it, for all theater — is in the same category as a mob, only it’s a polite version. When Susan Boyle stepped out on the stage, the audience took one look at her and felt contempt — for the fact that she dared to try to sing while being old, homely, plump, and dowdy. (Opera tolerates battleaxes if they have the voice of angels, but popular culture is vicious when it comes to looks.) This audience was ready to kill (i.e., laugh, hoot, and holler) as soon as Boyle would offer her first couple of notes. She had mini-seconds to make them change their minds.

For the health of society, it’s a good thing wannabe talents show off inside auditoriums, where audience responses are limited to clapping and booing. Otherwise, there’d be a lot of burning and hanging simply because a lot of people really desperately yearn for an audience.