I want to save everybody some time and effort here. You don’t want to have to reinvent the wheel, do you? For all you Aliza Shvarts wannabes, scan the following list before you start your next art piece. Most of the good ideas have already been taken.

Tying two guns to his temples in a performance piece: André Breton, back in the good old Dada days.

Killing catfish in a museum gallery: Newton Harrison (1960s)

Shooting a dog as a performance piece: Tom Otterness (1980s)

Living in a locker for 5 days: Chris Burden (1960s)

Having yourself shot: Chris Burden (1970s)

Having yourself crucified on a Volkswagen beetle: Chris Burden (1970s)

Crawling in his underwear across broken glass: Chris Burden (1970s)

Making prints with semen: Ed Ruscha (1970s)

Reading a scroll pulled from her vagina: Carolee Schneeman (1970s)

Having sex with a collector recorded on video tape: Andrea Fraser (recently)

Letting viewers view her cervix: Annie Sprinkle (1980s)

Canning his own excrement: Piero Manzoni (1960s)

Squirting paint out of his anus: Keith Boadwee (fairly recently)

Killing a chicken by wringing its neck on stage: Ralph Ortiz (1960s)

Sailing off in a boat to disappear forever: Arthur Craven (1920s)

Smearing herself with menstrual blood: (Can’t remember a name now, but there must have been lots)

Filling an entire room filled with tampons: Womanhouse, Los Angeles (1970s)

Cutting her own lips with a razor blade: Gina Pane (1970s)

Pretending to be raped on a gallery floor during an opening: Joy Poe (1970s)

Having endless plastic surgery on herself as a work of art: Orlan (ongoing)

Photographing himself with a bullwhip up his anus: Robert Mapplethorpe (1970s)

Diving out a second story window (maybe, could have been a fake): Yves Klein (1960s)

Masturbating under a gallery floor: Vito Acconci (1970s)

Suspending himself in a gallery by attaching hooks into his skin: Stelarc (1970s)

Having his back cut with a razor blade: Ron Athey (1990s)

Living tied to another artist for a year: Linda Montano (1980s)

Copying an entire novel onto canvas by hand: Al Ruppersberg (1970s)

Amputating his own penis, an inch at a time: Rudolpf Schwartzkogler (possibly faked) (1960s)

Living like a growling dog, in a cage, in a gallery: Can’t remember his name…Lassie something-or-other?…fairly recently.

P.S. I’m leaving out things like Tracy Emin’s tent, with the names of everybody she ever slept with, and Vanessa Beecroft’s nude women standing around a gallery, because they’re, so, you know, polite.