Several times a week I find myself an outsider in my doctoral program in political science. Shockingly, I am excited about my work, my dissertation, and my future.
Most of my peers, or at least the vocal ones, are frustrated and scared. They agonize over taking qualifying exams, defending a dissertation proposal, writing the dissertation, and entering the job market.
Possibly the difference of perspective is due to my happy-go-lucky personality, although from the nonacademic view of my husband, family, and friends, I hear myself described as competitive and hard-working, with the usual perfectionist tendencies. Perhaps a more accurate description falls somewhere in between.
At the moment, I am applying for jobs while finishing my dissertation at a Midwestern university. My adviser is pushing me toward jobs at big-name universities. At first I was not so sure, but now I am beginning to see myself as someone who could cut it.
One potential obstacle is the interdisciplinary nature of my dissertation and degree program. It will be a challenge to convince traditional political-science departments that I would fit in there, that I really am one of them. On the other hand, I am looking for openings at schools of public administration and natural-resource management that are more comfortable with interdisciplinary work, and that, I hope, will need less convincing on my part.
At the same time, I am juggling dissertation writing and a research assistantship. Luckily my dissertation work fits in nicely with that required by my assistantship.
That is not a coincidence. I have chosen to merge my own scholarship and the assistantship work in order to maintain my sanity, my marriage, and my friendships. By putting extra effort into my assistantship, I have had the opportunity to write articles with exceptional scholars at my center. Many fellow graduate students have chosen not to do that or are unable to combine their own research interests with those of their faculty advisers. Those students view their dissertation as their most important scholarly work.
For some of my friends who are heading off to teach at liberal-arts or community colleges, that may be the case. But for those of us aiming for research institutions, a dissertation is only the beginning of our scholarly journey. It provides the early fodder for those all important pre-tenure articles. But at some point your work has to move on.
I try to push my indecisive friends to embrace a topic that is interesting, but doable. These cautious colleagues are the same ones who constantly question their ability to write papers, speak at conferences, or make the transition from student to professor. I conquer, or at least tame, those fears at crucial moments by focusing on how far I've come. How could I face myself if I gave up now?
The mental struggle to feel at home in academe does not come quickly or easily to anyone. Some of the most intelligent doctoral students are unable to make it. When I mention that fact to people outside of academe, they typically dismiss the ones who fall short as perfectionists, but I am not so sure that's the problem.
Most academics seem to have perfectionist tendencies, which is how we ended up here in the first place. More often than not we were the brainy kids in elementary school, high school, and college who went the extra mile, sometimes motivated by the thrill of learning, but also motivated by the A+ or the smiley-face sticker.
Granted, most of us have changed a bit by the time we hit graduate school. We are now more often motivated by criticism than by reward, so we try to avoid the stick and strive desperately for success.
We all face a similar environment, so what really creates the barriers for those cautious, indecisive academics? They're the ones who ask for an extra month or two or six to study for their qualifying exams, or for another semester or two before they can defend their dissertations. One friend who has repeatedly written good class or conference papers will not send them off to a journal because they are "not quite ready." I wonder when anything will ever be ready.
Certainly I would never have moved an inch on this long journey, if I had followed such ridiculous standards. In my case a bit of luck, persistence, and hard work have led me to be the first in my cohort heading onto the job market, which has created some jealousy. I've overheard comments that my relatively rapid progress was forced on my committee by my adviser. Or that I'm rushing through the degree and not taking time to really "investigate" my topic.
The comments leave me furious, although I admit they make me question my marketability and my place in academe. Am I less worthy of a degree and a good job because I slaved over my degree for four and a half years, instead of the typical five, six, or seven? Does that fact make me a better candidate or a worse one? Am I sloppy or efficient?
While the criticisms hurt, my skin has grown thicker with each remark. I've come to realize that that, too, is a part of the journey. Surely much harsher criticism will be a part of the job-market experience and the tenure process.
At my university, several of my peers are finishing up after almost a decade in the program. Some of them sound like martyrs who have literally died for their degrees, or at least faced financial ruin. Is that the only path to becoming a "legitimate" academic? Have I not suffered enough?
Sometimes I feel the need to make up a few war stories, perhaps add a few gritty details to my experience. I feel alone as I make this foray into the job market. I can't seem to find anyone here who can relate to my experience. Most students feel overwhelmed in our program, while I am starting to feel glorious pain and exhilaration at the prospect of finishing this academic marathon.
As I read the job openings and ready my application materials, I hope that things will work out, but I realize that failure to get my dream job will not be the end of the world. Since I've made progress quickly in my degree, and my husband has a job that can support us, I'm not desperate this year. There is always next year if a good job doesn't come my way.
I believe that I'll find something sooner or later, which has basically been my attitude about everything in graduate school. So far that logic has worked. I can only hope that I am destined to be a part of that seemingly rare breed of secure, productive doctoral candidates who become secure, productive assistant professors.
