Just days into the fall semester, professors say the excuses for missing class have already begun to flow: food-borne illnesses, fender-benders, roommate squabbles, registration snafus.
Then there are the grandparents, those poor souls who wander about dead but unaware of it—like Bruce Willis's character in The Sixth Sense—conveniently killed off by college students whose tuition they might even be paying. One commenter on a Chronicle Forums thread on student excuses suggests sending out warning notices to the old folks: "The midterm exam for [course and number] is scheduled for [date]. This puts your life in danger. We recommend that you get a physical exam before that date and avoid all unnecessary travel until the test is over. Grandmothers are particularly at risk."
Another asks, "Is it just me or is the 'grandparent who dies' excuse being replaced with other family members, which makes it more traumatic for me to even question the veracity? Such as, 'My brother died today so I won't be able to complete the homework and test' on the day the first exam is due for an online course!"
Below are a few of the most creative excuses e-mailed to us, posted in our Forums section or submitted as comments on the Tweed blog.
• This is one I received this morning after a student missed my 8 a.m. class:
"Sorry I missed class this morning but I woke up so stiff I could barely move and didn't no [sic] why so I ended up going to the hospital to see what's wrong and it turns out when I was born my spinal chord didn't grow properly so I ended up pinching some things and that's why I wasnt able to move. Sorry I missed class though but I will bring by my author summary to you. Thank you and sorry."
I asked for a doctor's note.
• One student missed my class because his truck window wouldn't roll up. He showed up to the next one, but with no homework. Not sure how he's blaming the truck for that.
n Last semester I did have a student not come to class because, she said, some stalker was licking her windshield, and campus security towed her car. Yes, licking. Tongue. She dropped the course and turned up on the "withdrawn" list with a different last name.
• E-mail just received from student who missed first two classes. Unfortunately it is a once-a-week 3-hour block class, so she has missed two weeks of class:
"I just found out I am registered for your Wednesday class. I didn't realize I was registered for it. Now that I've found out I'm registered, I would like to attend. Do you think I can still catch up? May I stop by your office and get the syllabus?"
I wonder who registered her.
• This one is verbatim: "I am really sorry I was not in class today. I some how came down with ammonia and have been really sick for the past 2 days."
• I have two favorites. 1) "My father owns a liquor store and we got a big delivery right before your 11:00 class"; and, 2) "I was absent for yesterday's test because my girlfriend was having a baby." These are just two of the best; after 43 years, the collection of excuses seems endless.
• I had a student once tell me he missed class because he feared for his life. He said that while visiting another city he had witnessed an "accident" that was apparently a mob murder. The day before the class he had escaped out the back door of his frat house just as some thugs came in the front. I checked with the dean of students, and his story was true! I told him it was fine to miss my class, and he didn't need to meet with me again either. Phone calls were fine.
• I had a TA with a student who said his father died. The TA said it wasn't possible. The student got upset, accused the TA of being insensitive, etc. The TA said—yes, your father died—but a year ago. The student suddenly gets silent. The TA continues—how do I know. I was on call as the chaplain at the local hospital when your father died, and I ministered to your family.
• I have had graveyards full of dead family and friends, hospitals full of sickness, courthouses full of summonses and trials, and stadiums full of sporting events, but one of my favorites was a guy who said he was going to attend a riot and couldn't come to class. There wasn't much to say to that.
Comments
1. gplm2000 - September 27, 2010 at 09:18 am
Good comments! These excuses are prevalent among online students. Years ago, when teaching oncampus classes, I had a student who raised her hand at the beginning of class and wanted to be excused. Apparently, Little Joe of the Cartwright family in the TV show Bonanza was getting married that night.
2. txcomprof - September 28, 2010 at 12:45 pm
I once had a student miss the week before and after Spring Break. She came in with a Doctor's note saying she had been under his care and couldn't make it to classes. The note was from a DVM--the same one I used for my pets. She seemed puzzled when I asked whether she had heart-worms or kennel cough. She dropped the class the same day.
3. gent258 - September 28, 2010 at 01:44 pm
Ah, yes. The rate of grandmother mortality increases toward the end of the semester. I had one student who lost three grandmothers in the same semester. As a result he failed to turn any any assignments and failed the class. It is amazing that by the next semester all of his grandmothers had been resurrected only to die while he was in another professor's class. The morale: college is hell on grandmothers.
4. crumj - September 28, 2010 at 02:32 pm
The excuse-makers are very irritating to those of us who are telling the truth. When I was an undergrad, I had a midterm the morning my father died. I showed up to tell the prof I was going home to be with my family because my father just died, and I could tell that she thought I was lying. I offered to bring her a copy of the death certificate when I returned, which seemed to convince her. So yes, college is hell on relatives, but sometimes the worst really has happened.
5. drdonnaw - September 28, 2010 at 03:12 pm
I recall some creative excuses presented to me at various times during the academic year--not just midterms and finals. My favorite was from a young woman who informed me at the beginning of a class that she had a standing doctor's appointment that obviously conflicted with my class. Therefore, she needed to reschedule an examination, deadline for a project, etc. When class ended that particular day, I went to the college cafeteria for some coffee. What a surprise when I saw my "sick" student seated with her friends and deeply involved in social chit chat. Even more suprising was that she saw me!! Recoveries are miraculous, don't you agree. Two days later, the student's name appeared on my withdrawl list.
6. djs1635 - September 28, 2010 at 04:40 pm
Many of these same excuses end up in appeals for continued financial aid eligibility for the following year. As the FA Director and initial reviewer of hundreds of appeals every year, I find it interesting how a death of anyone related to the student, whether a grandparent or a 5th cousin, will destroy the student's ability to pass a class or stay enrolled. I feel for my faculty commrades who must read about poor Gramma Smith passing away this semester, then next semester, then...
7. ronbannon - September 28, 2010 at 04:46 pm
Clearly these excuses are written by dimwits. These students would not even get out of middle school in any first world country. Really, I can not help but think that the majority of our students are functioning at the third grade level.
8. chattahoochee - September 28, 2010 at 06:09 pm
My favorite was a woman who said her x-husband showed up at her house and cold-cocked her in the face as soon as she opened the door. This was because their child told him a "man" had taken her somewhere (supposedly to school) one day because her car was in the shop. Her car was in the shop because x-husband had put sugar in the gas tank.
9. cjinstructor - September 29, 2010 at 02:05 am
Drdonnaw,
I think I have had this one in a class too....
"My favorite was from a young woman who informed me at the beginning of a class that she had a standing doctor's appointment that obviously conflicted with my class. Therefore, she needed to reschedule an...".
10. cjinstructor - September 29, 2010 at 02:40 am
At the fifth week of an on-campus class meeting 3x a week at 1 PM, and the day of a Quiz, I received an email from an individual at 11:43 AM. She stated that she was "IN" my M-W-F, and had been out of the country and had no way to contact me. She didn't say where, as anyone else would have. She did not request, but stated to send her all the reading, notes, assignments and any tests she had missed so she could catch up. She stated she would be in class at 1PM. However, my Chair was standing in for me that day as I was at the hospital, and he was giving the class the Quiz they knew was scheduled. He took written attendance, and she was not on it. Here is probably why...
I emailed her back, " (_), I do not know who you are. You are NOT "IN" my M-W-F or T-TH section. This is the 5th week of the semester, and I have heard nothing from you. I have emailed you several times asking for your whereabouts and suggesting a W/D so that I do not have to issue you an "F" that will average into your GPA. I noticed that you wrote me from your "aol" account and not the college email. I am guessing that even if you were in the military-though you did not mention such, you would have mentioned that several weeks ago, and my students who are military and serving this country have the courtesy to do so.
I will NOT allow you to join my class at this late date, as it is a disruption and bold to to somehow assume that the rest of the 35 students should be held up while you catch up, that they should lend you their notes, and that I should have to re-do my lectures and work because you did not have the courtesy to contact me. Perhaps I demand/expect more from my students,but that is because I teach leaders, not followers.
However, I also realize that issues do arise. My Syllabus has been on the college (_) site for 6 weeks, and the only way you would have gotten my personal email address is from that syllabus.
Having read the syllabus, please review the section about W/D and my suggestion that you wisely do so to avoid an F averaging into your GPA. If applies, please contact Financial Aide for any necessary arrangements. I welcome you to schedule for my class in the future. I do wish you well this semester.
Best Regards,..."
(She W/D over the next couple days)
My guess is that Financial Aide told her that was not "free money for clubbing" and she would have to pay it back.
11. cjinstructor - September 29, 2010 at 02:54 am
My all time favorite was also last Spring in the other section of the same course.
The end of the third week a student came in to the class and plopped her butt down, late and interrupting. I said, "Who are you"...I already knew all my students by name. She announced herself. I asked, "Where have you been?" She gave me some crappy excuse. About 30 minutes into the 75 minutes class, she has her cell phone out, starts talking into it, puts on her jackets, grabs her purse and walks to the door. I asked, "Where are you going?" She said, (hold on now), "OH, my little boy has been missing and the cops just called to say they located him. I have to go." And she sountered out the door.
...Now if your toddler was missing, would you be in a classroom so you could await a call from the police? She certainly was not upset or in distress. Never saw her again. IS "Little Boy" a new term for dope"?!
I feel for those in the Financial Aide offices. What you must deal with.
Another one who thought the president was giving out free money to GO to college, not actually study!
It's hard to BS a retired officer.
12. profdave - October 01, 2010 at 10:50 am
At my CC, the "I didn't know I was registered" excuse can be valid. Some departments make it a practice to register first-semester students for classes so that when they come in for advisement, they already have a schedule. This assembly-line process ensures full classes, which looks good for the department and the college and appears to meet contractual loading requirements.
It does not always produce actual bodies in the classroom. I'm sure it also screws up financial aid for students who applied to multiple institutions and who are in fact attending a different one. They don't withdraw from ours because they never registered in the first place.
I personally believe this practice to be unethical, but I'm not running things.
13. alechosterman - October 04, 2010 at 08:59 pm
Over the years I've had the normal excuses, however this one I couldn't quite believe: a student e-mailed me to tell me they would be missing my once-a-week class because they have the sniffles. Yes, the sniffles.
14. lisaannbrown - October 08, 2010 at 09:45 am
Most of the excuses above are pretty comical, but I fail to see how "My girlfriend was having a baby" is not a valid excuse. What if the student had said, "My wife was having a baby"? Not everyone gets married these days. I don't think faculty are in the position to make judgment calls over whose relationships are more valid than others. Kudos to the student for not missing out on that moment, and shame on that professor for arrogantly implying that her or his class was more important than being there for a partner at the time of childbirth.
15. kcercone - October 16, 2010 at 09:06 am
I get many stories too- some true. I had an online student who was attacked by a black bear in Alaska. It was true- he sent me pictures of the amazing injuries he sustained as well as his son-in-law. They had been camping. He was an exceptional student who never missed a thing but the pictures confirmed it.
I also teach at a community college where excuses are just as common. I find that if they miss one class, they miss many and in turn either disappear, withdraw or fail. They are digging their own grave in the end.
I have seen many grandma's die and I am amazed how many family members disappear in a semester but again, if they lie once, they will lie again and missing too much usually equates to failure so I feel in the end, they will get what they deserve.
I also teach a biology lab class so if they miss the lab, they are in serious trouble as I do not go over what they missed and usually they will fail my practical exams. If they did not do an activity due to missing class, they will not be able to perform on the practical.
Overall, I think that those who lie get what they deserve, an F.