While The Chronicle has printed its share of worthy essays in its "First Person" series, there is nevertheless a certain type of essay -- melancholy, sulky, or otherwise gloomy -- that frequently elicits strong reactions of a not altogether positive nature.
It recently occurred to me that we could save future First Person essayists considerable time and effort by supplying an easy-to-follow guide. For example:
1. I am:
___ writing under a clever pseudonym.
___ writing under an uninspired pseudonym.
___ using my own name.
2. At present, I am:
___ tenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college.
___ tenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell.
___ tenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities.
___ untenured, unfortunately, at a wonderful college.
___ untenured, unfortunately, at the campus from hell.
___ untenured, unfortunately, at an institution that fails to appreciate my scintillating qualities.
___ a much put-upon administrator.
___ a recently fired (without cause!) administrator.
3. I'm terribly, terribly unhappy, because:
___ I thought life after tenure would be bliss, and it's just the same-old, same-old.
___ my colleagues fail to appreciate my scintillating qualities.
___ there is a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/deconstructionist/other in my department.
___ there isn't a poststructuralist/Marxist/cultural materialist/New Historicist/Lacanian/ deconstructionist/other in my department.
___ there are politics! In academe!
___ if I had been born 50 years ago, there would have been no politics! In academe!
___ if I had been born 50 years ago, there would have been my kind of politics! In academe!
___ academic work isn't all about Twoo Wuv for your subject.
___ people are so mean to me.
___ students don't appreciate all the effort I put into teaching them.
4. I can prove that what I say is true, because:
___ I have personal anecdotes.
___ I'm going to reveal confidential data from job searches and personnel decisions.
___ The Chronicle published this essay, and therefore it must be true.
5. Blogging is:
___ a sign of the imminent apocalypse.
___ not done by trustworthy people.
___ not done by employable people.
___ . . . what is a blog?
6. Everything would be so much better if:
___ someone granted me an endowed chair at a research university with a 2-2 load.
___ I gave up tenure to farm sheep in New Zealand.
___ everybody published scholarship of interest to me.
___ being in graduate school was all about Twoo Wuv.
___ students were really interested in the Meaning of Life.
7. But none of this will happen, because:
___ I'm not politically correct.
___ sheep give me hives.
___ nobody cares about academics like me.
___ graduate school is all about politics!
___ students these days just can't appreciate the Sheer Joy of Learning.
8. Still, at least I can tell you that the Little Professor will be invited to write an essay for The Chronicle when:
___ pigs fly.
___ cats obey orders.
___ professors in the English department make more money than professors in the business department.
